Hamburg Journals II – Transportation

Time is enlarging in here. Time is never short. No traffic, no busy roads either with people nor any vehicles. Life is to live for me. Is not it funny? It does not feel like you live your life in a very metropolitan city. It feels like you always have to rush and should never run out of excuses.

Lateness becomes the routine… A very stressful routine that makes relationships, meetings and socialising less bearable.

Remember the clichee, Germans are punctual. The reason is their roads are open, their trains, trams, and buses are mostly on time, the system is working like clock. You can only be late if you fall asleep. Is it the same in many other countries? Only in some nordic and anglo-saxon cities, but definitely not in central/eastern/southern Europe, or Asia where the population grows faster than the corn.

Things are mostly late in London/Istanbul (and probably other cities that I have not been to such as Mumbai, New York, and Tokyo?) Just guessing. But not the same in most German cities, and most certainly Hamburg. Hamburg has great city planning and great engineers. Here you do not get stressed over being late unless things haven’t been in your favour that day. As you can see, this gives me so much comfort. I’m tired of crowded and lamely engineered city roads/railways. Even in London I would say the same for the railways. If you would like to get from North London to North East London, you cannot take a train straight to the east: You have to go back down, then up and right again. So much loss of time and patience. And you are very likely to be late even if your calculations assumed you were to be there a little earlier.

Let me stop digging further on transportation. I just wanted to describe my peace in this cleverly engineered city. I feel good to be on time, without thinking of all the consequences any more.

I think that makes a chapter on its own, so let me leave it here.

Hamburg Journals I

I know I have been staying away from writing down, as long as I could. ‘Cause most of the ideas on my mind were unutterable- apart from to that one person. That man, who knows me for ages, and accepts me the way I am. Literally, no judgement whatsoever for most things, if not all. He only rarely wags me his index finger when it comes to my non-strategic and thus unplanned behaviour that might end up in huge losses. He warns me about my impulsivity. I know he’s right- he’s been right all along since I knew him. Sometimes this freaks me out- mostly when I wish him to say ‘’yes, this would work’’ but he instead says ‘the probability of this thing/relationship working out is only one percent, if I am optimistic.’’ That gets to me! I want him to be more, you know, in the favour of my desires! Haha… But he cannot ever forget about real life cases and the god damn probabilities. Anyways, this is not about him, yet all things about me, keeps going back to him. He might be the Prophet of my religion. He is to be kept, forever, if you are lucky enough to have him in your life. I am going back to what I wanted to ‘’write’’ about. 

I do not utter any of my ideas, to even my journals, because they are socially and logically unacceptable…. Though this man, he listens, brings up ideas, and shows ways out. He has been my shelter for the half of the year, as he’s been before. But more so, now, cause remember, the things I am going through are unutterable. I dare not share with you! You all would judge me to hell. And, I don’t care about your judgements but I have no desire to share my energy resources explaining my reasons or ‘’un’’reasons to live what I am living. 

Maybe all I needed was to come back to Hamburg, to finally pour all these down. Down through my fingers. As much as I could utter… 

Now I am back home. This is home for me. More so than Istanbul. Maybe even more than London? Cannot judge properly, but this is zuhause without any hesitation. 

But of course I haven’t lived here for years long without any back and forth. Cause everyone knows, I never stay somewhere for more than 3 months… It is undoable for me. I am made to travel… 

Residents of Hamburg also have complaints, mostly the migrants, due to racism and maybe the loneliness the culture brings. But for me it is attractive, as I am bored from the chaos of Istanbul. Here you have more time for yourself, for all the things one can do alone, unlike in Istanbul where you have no time for an optimum sleep! 

Being back to writing, as I have plenty of more time in here, and things feel more utterable or tbh, less unutterable, let me utter those. 

I have learned to manage my anxiety much better as I have been waiting for someone that could never come. I have been Waiting for Godot and that waiting had to teach me that I have to stop all the negative thought patterns, if not I could need anxiolytics and sunk in depression. I learned to manage those emotion bursts. It has honestly been a must for me, not that I decided to work more on my personal growth. If I have not developed this new skill, I could have been fully dysfunctional and no more the productive Pi, I have always been.

So here I am, back in where I learned the first teachings of Human Brain and Psychology. First ever times where I felt totally free and used that freedom to read more and enjoy all the good things in life!

Hamburg, I feel welcome here. Maybe for a week or a month or a year- but I will always come back to you.

Kalbim çocuk

Sana şiirler yazmak istiyorum,

Şiir yazmadan

Sevgiler nasıl gösterilir inan bilmiyorum.

Ama yazamıyorum-

Yazmaktan çekiniyorum yani.

Biliyorum,

”Abartıyorsun” diyeceksin.

”Her şeyi” diyeceksin

”Uçlarda yaşıyorsun!”

Diyeceksin…

Düşüne kalacağım…

Saklamalı gizlemeli mi yani diye,

Bilmem kaç bininci kez

Doğduğumdan beri

Gene insanlığa küseceğim,

Ama umudum bitmeyecek

Bir gün aşkları saklamadan da

Yaşayabileceğiz

Ve saklayarak kıymetlenmeyecek illa

Sevgimi gösterdiğimde, avaz avaz belki de,

Suçlu olmayacağım,

Ya da daha az değerli…

Dönüşmeliyim elbet,

ve büyümeliyim her geçen gün

Ama susmalı mıyım duyguları?

Söylememeli mi aşkı, heyecanı veya hüznü?

İnan- ben bu dünyaya karşıyım.

Babam var, adanın birinde, ıssız, ama keyfi yerinde.

O şiirleri sever,

Dinler, gülümser.

Şiirler yazacağım ona,

Okuyacağım geçip karşısına.

Romantik ruhumu

Yaşamaktan vazgeçmeyeceğim…

Gözlerim yaşlı,

Kalbim duygularla dolu…

Ben hep yazacağım…

π

Aşk BİRDENBİRE olmalı.

“İyi şeyler birdenbire olur; bu kadar bekletmez insanı. Sürüncemede kalan heyecanlardan ancak kötü şeyler çıkar. Ya da hiçbir şey çıkmaz.”

Diyor Oğuz Atay.

Büyük oranda doğru olduğunu yaşarken farkediyor insan.

Kimin için ne kadar büyük savaş verirsen, o kadar büyük yeniliyorsun.

Tabii akademik yolculuktan bahsetmiyorsa… O yolda hiçbir şey birdenbire olmuyor, belki de akademi için de geçerlidir. O kadar da güzel olmadığı için birdenbire olmuyordur, kim bilir 🙂

Ama bir çift terapisti olarak aklım her zaman ilişkilere gidiyor en önce. Akademiden de önce.

Güzel ilişkiler öyle çok yormaz. Elbet emek gerektirir ama sürüncemede bırakmaz. Aylar boyunca askıda kaldırmaz seveni.

Tutkularda olduğu gibi sevgilerde de böyledir. Tutku kadar hızlı akmasa da sevginin yolu, gene de bekletemez sevdiğini, e hele tutku da girince işin içine, elini daha çabuk tutar.

Elbet kadın ve erkek arasında hız açısından farklılık olur, ve erkek daha hızlı olur, doğası gereği hızlı olmak ve kovalamak için vardır. Ancak bunun da sonsuz bir kovalama olmadığını hatırlıyorum.

Yumurta çatlamadan yakalamalıdır yumurtayı. Ve yumurta çatladıktan sonra kovalamanın anlamı kalmaz. Bu yüzden zamanı vardır o kovalamanın da. Limitsiz değildir, olamaz da doğaya uygun olarak.

Hücrelerin yaşlanmasını durdurana kadar, birdenbire olmalı her şey. Hücrelerin yaşlanması durdurulursa, sonsuza kadar peşinden koşabilirsiniz kadınların.

Durana dek, birdenbire olmalı. Aylar, yıllar sürmemeli azizim.

Hayat kısa, aşklar kaçıyor.

Aşk Terapisti