Every year seems to chip away at our families, love, respect, and friendships

I was reminded of this while reading Alfred Adler, the renowned Austrian psychiatrist and psychologist of the 19th century.

In his book, Adler argues that if we feel interest and affection for someone, we must embody all the qualities that such interest demands. These include:

• Honesty
• Being a good friend
• A sense of responsibility
• Loyalty and trustworthiness

I believe that anyone who hasn’t managed to build a loving and committed relationship needs to recognise where they may have gone wrong.

Adler wrote this in 1913—111 years ago! His insights still resonate today.

Of course, problematic relationships have always existed, but back then, expert psychologists didn’t suggest things like, “Don’t interfere with each other; give each other space. Cheating before marriage is perfectly natural. Wedding stress can lead to infidelity, and these issues can be resolved and forgiven.”

Now, however, this is the prevailing attitude in both Europe and America. The year is 2024.

I’ve received couples therapy training from various institutes in America and Europe, and I continue to learn from different schools of thought.

Sadly, the situation isn’t promising for those who share Adler’s perspective.

We’re taught to tell clients who have been cheated on that reconciliation is possible and that peace can be restored.

As one of the few couples therapists who believes that remaining in a relationship marked by infidelity can harm both partners’ self-respect, I focus my sessions on empowering the betrayed partner.

In those moments, I no longer see a couple; I see someone who has been deceived and disrespected.

I help this person remember their worth and cultivate self-love and respect.

As for my training instructors, they tell couples that these situations can be mended. And from what I can see, they genuinely believe in this possibility.

If even deep-seated traumas can be healed, can the pain of a loved one turning their back on you, deceiving you, and developing feelings for someone else truly be resolved?

Can that knowledge simply be erased from memory? Can we accept it as normal?

According to the latest trends: yes.

They argue that instead of shouting at the child who spills milk, we should simply clean it up. That’s their analogy.

As I listen, I can’t help but chuckle wryly. However, I keep my “backward” thoughts to myself for fear they might disrupt their business.

After all, sharing my views might even make them feel unethical. Critiquing so-called experts often leads to backlash.

Yet I have long since dismissed them in my heart, guided by my respect for love. I know that attempting to correct their beliefs is futile.

Their underlying thought on infidelity among couples is simply this:

“If you didn’t value each other despite everything, you wouldn’t have come to me and spent so much money seeking my support.”

Yes, this is what they say amongst themselves—with a hint of mockery and a sense of superiority, forming a commercial coalition.

Now, to them, I’m one of their own.

In it for money, business, and exploiting people…

But I’m nothing like them.

I refuse to trample on people’s souls, their self-esteem, and most importantly…

Love.

Passion.

Family.

Money can always be earned.

My preference is to earn it for the greater good.

As long as people focus solely on their wallets, neither society, family, nor individuals will ever find peace.

In summary:

Don’t keep dishonest individuals in your life, especially those who betray you.

Spend your money not on those who cheat but on those who respect you.

Avoid seeking couples therapy to address infidelity…

No one deserves to be cheated on.

After all, there is no one else quite like you.

I wish for you to find someone who makes you feel special and unique.

Roy Lichtenstein, We Rose Up Slowly, 1964

Couples Therapist Pinar S.