I know I have been staying away from writing down, as long as I could. ‘Cause most of the ideas on my mind were unutterable- apart from to that one person. That man, who knows me for ages, and accepts me the way I am. Literally, no judgement whatsoever for most things, if not all. He only rarely wags me his index finger when it comes to my non-strategic and thus unplanned behaviour that might end up in huge losses. He warns me about my impulsivity. I know he’s right- he’s been right all along since I knew him. Sometimes this freaks me out- mostly when I wish him to say ‘’yes, this would work’’ but he instead says ‘the probability of this thing/relationship working out is only one percent, if I am optimistic.’’ That gets to me! I want him to be more, you know, in the favour of my desires! Haha… But he cannot ever forget about real life cases and the god damn probabilities. Anyways, this is not about him, yet all things about me, keeps going back to him. He might be the Prophet of my religion. He is to be kept, forever, if you are lucky enough to have him in your life. I am going back to what I wanted to ‘’write’’ about. 

I do not utter any of my ideas, to even my journals, because they are socially and logically unacceptable…. Though this man, he listens, brings up ideas, and shows ways out. He has been my shelter for the half of the year, as he’s been before. But more so, now, cause remember, the things I am going through are unutterable. I dare not share with you! You all would judge me to hell. And, I don’t care about your judgements but I have no desire to share my energy resources explaining my reasons or ‘’un’’reasons to live what I am living. 

Maybe all I needed was to come back to Hamburg, to finally pour all these down. Down through my fingers. As much as I could utter… 

Now I am back home. This is home for me. More so than Istanbul. Maybe even more than London? Cannot judge properly, but this is zuhause without any hesitation. 

But of course I haven’t lived here for years long without any back and forth. Cause everyone knows, I never stay somewhere for more than 3 months… It is undoable for me. I am made to travel… 

Residents of Hamburg also have complaints, mostly the migrants, due to racism and maybe the loneliness the culture brings. But for me it is attractive, as I am bored from the chaos of Istanbul. Here you have more time for yourself, for all the things one can do alone, unlike in Istanbul where you have no time for an optimum sleep! 

Being back to writing, as I have plenty of more time in here, and things feel more utterable or tbh, less unutterable, let me utter those. 

I have learned to manage my anxiety much better as I have been waiting for someone that could never come. I have been Waiting for Godot and that waiting had to teach me that I have to stop all the negative thought patterns, if not I could need anxiolytics and sunk in depression. I learned to manage those emotion bursts. It has honestly been a must for me, not that I decided to work more on my personal growth. If I have not developed this new skill, I could have been fully dysfunctional and no more the productive Pi, I have always been.

So here I am, back in where I learned the first teachings of Human Brain and Psychology. First ever times where I felt totally free and used that freedom to read more and enjoy all the good things in life!

Hamburg, I feel welcome here. Maybe for a week or a month or a year- but I will always come back to you.